White Blood
by TeamAlphaQ
Summary: Said you'd always be my white blood, Circulate the right love, Giving me your white blood, I need you right here with me. Shizaya, One-shot


**A/N: As the title and summary suggest, this story was heavily inspired by the song White Blood. It's awesome, check it out. Doesn't really have much to do with Shizaya but every time I listened to it, this is what I saw.**

 **Enjoy!**

You know, looking back on it, I knew you were serious.

But I thought, I thought that maybe you were kidding somehow, that you'd just blow off some steam and come back.

So I guess it hurt more than it should have when you walked out of my life forever…

Hey Shizu-chan, am I the only one?

I've gotten better now, I swear.

I… I really miss you.

 _I'm sorry_.

" _Shizu-chan," Izaya muttered under his breath, peering up at the underside of Shizuo's jaw with a creased brow. "You're blocking the light."_

 _The beast grunted, unconcerned with his apparent transgression. "It's eleven at night," he commented, and Izaya felt Shizuo rest his chin on his head._

" _So?" Izaya asked, peeved. "I've been up much later. I'm serious, you're making my paperwork impossible to read." Technically, he didn't even need to read it, but an uninformed informant was not only a contradiction but dead as well._

 _Unfortunately, Shizuo seemed to have trouble understanding that._

" _Have you even eaten?" Shizuo questioned skeptically as he stared, blase, at the offending papers, making Izaya sigh and roll his eyes. "I'm serious flea, you're going to work yourself to death."_

" _If you don't kill me first," Izaya quipped, putting down his pen for a moment so he could glance up at Shizuo and flick his forehead. "I'm not hungry Shizu-chan, I'll be fine."_

 _Shizuo shifted so he could glare down at Izaya. "You've been staring at those damn papers since I got here." His voice was a growl, but not a threatening one._

" _Jealous?" Izaya mocked, narrowing his eyes playfully._

" _You're always doing paperwork while I'm here," Shizuo muttered, disgruntled but not upset. Straightening, he huffed, "If you're that busy I could just leave."_

Well, I wouldn't want to annoy him… _With a longsuffering sigh, Izaya relocated his paperwork to the coffee table and gave Shizuo a put-upon look. "Better?"_

" _Much," Shizuo agreed._

" _So," the informant started, arching his back and rolling his shoulders to ease some of the tension in his muscles. "What was it you wanted from m- eah!" Izaya's world tilted abruptly as the idiotic beast scooped him off the couch and into his arms. "Shizu-chan," he started reproachfully, squirming until he was eye level with the man. "I'm not meant to be treated this way, put me down."_

 _From behind the stupid sunglasses that he still hadn't taken off for some unfathomable, Shizuo's eyes lit up with amusement. "No."_

" _Beast," Izaya complained, pouting._

" _Flea," Shizuo returned, smirk growing._

 _Before Izaya could continue to protest, Shizuo closed the minute distance between them with a teasing kiss that soon morphed into something else. Any remaining complaints died on his tongue as Izaya decided that yes, this was_ much _better than paperwork. This sentiment was only reinforced when he managed to get his legs wrapped around Shizuo's waist and his shirt half undone._

" _I thought you had paperwork," Shizuo mocked, breaths hot against Izaya's ear as his hands traveled under the raven's shirt._

" _Maybe I've finished for the night," Izaya managed breathlessly. Trying to regain his composure didn't seem to be an option, not when Shizuo's tongue was doing sinful things to his mind. "Maybe I've got other ideas."_

 _A moment later when his back hit his desk, Izaya was allowed a second to breathe. Papers scattered as Shizuo loomed above him, predatory, intoxicating. Letting out a faint moan, Izaya pulled his hips against Shizuo's and hissed, "Do your worst."_

 _Shizuo took off his sunglasses and flashed his teeth in a dangerous grin. "Gladly."_

Izaya's heavy eyes opened to the cold dark of his empty office. _Just a dream, ne…_ he thought blearily. The leather of his chair creaked as he shifted, the soft noise echoing in the large room.

Shakily, he raised a hand to face. His eyes were dry for once, thankfully. Izaya was tired of this, tired of losing sleep and losing his mind. He hadn't thought it would turn out like this, it had all just been a passing thing, right? On unstable legs, the raven got up and looked around the shadowed space. It was empty, _so_ empty. _You're being stupid, it's been half a year now._

Ah, but in his dreams, it was just yesterday.

At night, Shizuo was still there, still holding him close, keeping him safe. Loving him. But as soon as he opened his eyes, Izaya was thrown back into the present, where all that was gone. Back to this unbearable cold that gripped him, inside and out. _How could I have been so foolish, how could I have let this happen?_

All too easily.

Turning slowly, Izaya faced his large bay windows. Outside, snow fell, drifting over the city of Tokyo. It was too early for winter, he wasn't ready for it, didn't want to have to deal with the irritations it brought. The cold air had turned his apartment into a freezer, leaving Izaya numb, unfeeling, though, that wasn't much of a change. Still, he hated it, hated this.

With a shiver, Izaya rubbed his arms and clenched his jaw to keep his teeth from clicking together. He'd fallen asleep at his desk again like he had done so many nights before. Not working, just sitting there, lost in thought, staring at the door. It was almost self-destructive, almost enough to sate the gnawing hole in his chest.

In reality, he was only making it worse.

 _He's not coming back_.

Izaya's eyes fell to his feet before drifting up towards the distant skyline of Ikebukuro. It hurt, and he had to tear his gaze away. _You're fault_ , like his mind whispered every time he fell down this rabbit hole. _He cared, you shut him out._

He'd taken Shizuo for granted for so long, then he'd just got up one night and left. Izaya hadn't really believed the man would leave, hadn't taken him at his word. Well, he certainly knew the beast was serious now. _I just let him walk out, I never even tried to stop him._

Throat growing tight, Izaya shut his eyes to the thoughts running through his head. _You can't get him back, you ruin every good thing you touch. Shizuo gave you his heart,_ you _broke it._

Looking back at his door, Izaya struggled to keep his breathing steady. _Remember what you did, remember how badly you messed up._ He could still see it, that last night, clear and perfect in detail. More painful than it had been then, maybe because he knew what was coming and could do nothing to stop it.

" _I'm sick of your shit Izaya!" Shizuo shouted, fist leaving a dent in the wall by the door, rattling the mugs on the coffee table. "I'm tired of you playing this stupid game."_

 _Izaya just glared at him from over his laptop screen, irritated that they were still having this conversation at all. Why couldn't the idiot just sit down and stay quiet? Why did he always have to make such a nuisance of himself?_ Just let him yell, it'll be easier that way.

" _I'm doing everything that I can, why do you always shut me out like this? What do you want me to do?" Shizuo's eyes were wild, angry. Everything about him was always angry, a torrent of rage contained in one bleach-blond bodyguard who couldn't keep himself under control._

 _Izaya clicked his tongue. "Shizu-chan, I assure you you're imaging things. I'm not shutting you out, I just have work to do. Please don't turn this into something it isn't." The laptop screen was blurring in Izaya's vision and he blinked rapidly, trying to make out the words._ I'm too tired to handle him right now.

 _Shizuo growled in frustration. "Oh yes, your fucking work. Why the hell is that shit so important? Every time I'm here, that's all you ever do! Why am I even here if all you're going to do is stare at that screen all night?"_

" _Stop being so clingy Shizu-chan," Izaya chided, burying the anger and resentment that threaten to bubble to the surface. "Some of us have real jobs that require us to work. I'm sorry you have trouble understanding that."_

" _God, you just can't stop, can you?" Izaya kept waiting for Shizuo to throw something at him, it seemed like that kind of fight after all. When hadn't the idiot resorted to violence? It was all a horrible, festering situation and Izaya was sick of it. "Are you ever something other than a condescending asshole?"_

" _Are you ever anything but an unruly monster?" Izaya bit back, teeth clenching on the feeling in his stomach that's telling him to stop this, it's only making the situation worse. "Because from where I sit, you're the one overreacting here. I'm just talking to you calmly."_

" _You-" The look Shizuo gave him was one of pure disgust. "All I'm asking for is a bit of your time. I'm asking for you to not treat me like I'm some sort of child. I'm asking for you to act like you want me to be here instead of acting like I'm some sort of burden!" He drew in several heavy breaths. "I'm just sick of feeling like you don't care."_

 _Izaya stared at him, doing everything in his power to keep his breathing steady. "Do you see a lock on the door?" he spat, red eyes burning. "Do you see me keeping you here Shizu-chan? If you're really so sick of me then leave!"_ _He was just so tired of it all, this stupid thing they kept pretending they wanted. Why bother when all they did was fight?_

" _This is bullshit," Shizuo growled, eyes dark. "What happened Izaya? Why are we even here? I'm so fucking done with this."_

 _Izaya's knuckles went white as he clenched the arms of his chair. "Does it look like I care?"_ I do, but I'm not going to say that. " _I don't know what happened Shizu-chan, I'm struggling to remember why I ever decided to put up with you in the first place."_

" _Fine, I'll leave!" Shizuo shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "Because clearly, I'm not wanted here." There was something mixed in with the anger in the blond's eyes but Izaya ignored it, too fed up to care._

" _I'm glad we've had this talk," Izaya merely hissed, eyes flicking back to his computer screen. He couldn't focus on it, not with Shizuo standing there, breathing heavily like he still wanted to say something. "What?" Izaya snapped, looking up only to be caught off guard by the sadness in Shizuo's eyes._

" _If I walk out that door," Shizuo whispered, thought it sounded like thunder. "I'm never coming back. I'm done with your bullshit Izaya, I'm not doing this anymore. If you really don't want me here, then I'll leave, but I'm not coming back."_

 _Izaya stared at him, passive._ He wouldn't actually _, he thought stubbornly, red eyes narrowing_. He's just saying things.

" _Fuck, just say something," Shizuo muttered, his expression turning defeated. "Give me one reason to stay Izaya, anything. I just don't want to stay if it's only going to hurt more. I can't put myself through this any longer."_

 _Izaya shook his head and looked down at his computer, trying to ignore Shizuo._ He just needs to clear his head, _he reasoned._ He'll take a walk, cool off, and then he'll come back. _Even though his stomach kept lurching uncomfortably, Izaya kept his eyes trained on the keyboard like he could see the keys at all through the odd dampness clouding his vision._

" _Fine, I'll just get out of your way then." The door shut behind Shizuo, too soft for the anger the beast had been venting. It was only then that Izaya looked up. The pressure behind his eyes worsened, and Izaya rubbed at them._ I'm crying? Feh, how stupid.

He'll come back _, Izaya thought, swiping at the tears that kept multiplying at the corners of his eyes._ He's just angry. He always comes back. _Besides, the blond had been yelling about nothing. It wasn't important, Izaya didn't ignore him, right? He treated him fine. It was all just Shizuo being stupid._

" _You'll be fine, Shizu-chan," he said aloud, biting his lip. "You're coming back. You just need to calm down. Everything's going to be fine."_

Izaya's eyes dropped to the floor as fresh tears made their appearance. No, everything hadn't been fine, had it? Shizuo hadn't come back. For a while, Izaya had hoped that he would, but now, he knew better.

Six months was a long time, and Izaya was tired of feeling cold.

 _I just wish I could see him, say I'm sorry._ Like it would do any good, Izaya was perfectly aware of how little Shizuo would want to see him. _He's probably moved on, all but forgotten about me._ Talking to him now would be stupid, Izaya wasn't stupid.

 _And yet_ …

His feet moved on their own as he walked towards his door, grabbing his coat along the way. It was stupid, this whole idea was stupid, but Izaya couldn't shake it.

Because he got it now, how much of a bastard he'd been. Shizuo had been right, all Izaya had cared about was his work, most of the time, he'd treated the blond like a nuisance rather than someone he wanted around.

 _Just say it why don't you?_ Yeah, because somewhere along the line, he'd fallen in love with Shizuo, and then the beast had left him. No matter what he said to the contrary, it hurt. Every time he thought about it, Izaya could feel his chest tightening. He'd loved someone, but had driven him away because he was too scared to admit it.

And he didn't even know if Shizuo felt the same, but he was sick of hiding.

 _Six months is enough, I'm done hiding._

The man at the front desk glanced up at him but Izaya didn't pay any attention to his mumbled questions, he only had one goal in mind. _What am I supposed to say to him?_ he wondered as he gradually pushed the door open. _What am I doing?_

Izaya wasn't sure, he just had to.

Outside was cold, the wind nipped painfully at his face and the snow obscured his vision but Izaya plowed on, treading slowly through the light dusting of snow that covered everything. Every few moments he'd glance up in the direction of Ikebukuro before letting his head fall again. Izaya didn't have a clue what he was thinking, it was all so sudden. _I just want to see Shizuo, I'm tired of this silence._

Why he bothered when chances were Shizuo would more likely hurt him than talk to him, Izaya wished he had an answer.

Tugging his hood up, Izaya focused on his feet as he walked. He'd gotten better since Shizuo had left. Sure he was still obsessive, but not to the extent he used to be. His interactions with his secretary had gotten smoother, he'd started treating her kinder. In general, Izaya's life had improved, all except for one thing.

This, Shizuo and all the mistakes he'd made.

 _It's so cold out. What if he won't even open the door?_

As the office buildings started petering out and turning to layered roads that he knew wormed through Tokyo, Izaya raised his gaze to the horizon again. Ikebukuro was so close, still looked so bright and alive even though it was the middle of the night. _I don't belong here._

He'd avoided it mostly, keeping out of Shizuo's way. Izaya hadn't wanted to see the extent of Shizuo's true hatred for him, especially after he'd screwed it all up. As he stood on the outskirts of the district, Izaya wondered if he should turn back. He'd already come so far but was it really worth it? Wasn't he just talking to the wind?

Yet again he kept walking, determination moving his tired limbs forward. Izaya wasn't under any sort of delusion as to how Shizuo was going to react. He fully expected the blond to throw him out, maybe listen to what he had to say, but still shut the door politely behind him. _Nothing more than I deserve._ It didn't matter, he had to go, try and make the man understand.

 _I'm just so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living through nightmares every time I close my eyes. All I want is peace._ The only one who could grant that was Shizuo. Izaya didn't feel very much like throwing in the towel and giving up. Who cared if he was being stupid, he'd given up long ago.

The few people outside didn't so much as glance at him. Izaya knew the way to Shizuo's by heart, it didn't matter that it had been forever since he'd last walked it. Each footfall felt harder, like his very bones were telling him this was stupid, but he kept going. His heart thumped painfully but at least his eyes were dry. He was tired of crying.

The snow fell harder, big white flakes that settled on his shoulders and head. His breath came out in white clouds that swirled around his face. Every bit of snow that hit his skin stung, but his heart was numb already. This was nothing compared to what the last months had felt like. He'd survived one, the other was just the price of talking to Shizuo.

 _He won't even want to talk. Hell, he probably won't answer the door._ Izaya bit his lip, ducked his head lower so he could watch the snow-covered pavement vanish beneath his feet. _What am I going to lead off with? I'm sorry? Yeah, because that sounds convincing._

 _I need you? My life feels dead without you?_

 _I love you?_

Would he be able to say anything at all?

The stores and bars turned into apartment buildings. His fingers had long since gone numb, Izaya couldn't feel his nose either. _I should have dressed better for this, ne?_ Well, just another bad decision to add to the long string of them he'd accumulated.

He wondered if Shizuo was happy without him. He wondered if he'd even been a thought to cross the man's mind. Things were always better when he wasn't around. Izaya only ever screwed things up. That was his job, ne? Taking the good in the world and contorting it into something disgusting. Who was he to think that he could do better this time?

There wasn't even going to be a 'this time', Izaya was deluding himself after all.

Gradually, the apartments got shabbier. He started looking up more often, counting the side streets patiently. Every step hurt. _I've lost it. I'm crazy_. Crazy enough to say sorry, crazy enough to let his pride go for a moment to do what he should have done before Shizuo left at all.

The next thing he knew, he was tracking snow into the chilled icebox that was the tiny lobby of Shizuo's apartment. It was no warmer than outside, but at least the snow was stopped by the door and walls. Shivering involuntarily, Izaya shuffled over towards Shizuo's door. This close, he couldn't even lift his eyes to the painted wood. Inside, somewhere, was Shizuo, and he couldn't do it, couldn't bear the anger he was sure to receive

 _Run,_ his mind said, filling him with fear _. Run and don't look back_. But no matter what he did, Izaya knew it would hurt regardless, so instead, he raised his hand to the door. Poised over it like that, he hesitated, but only briefly.

The soft rapping broke the silence.

There were soft shuffling sounds from inside, and Izaya's body froze. He couldn't even lower his fist before the door swung open.

Shizuo hadn't changed at all, his hair was sticking up in all directions and his eyes burned with the same golden intensity. As they landed on Izaya, they narrowed and the raven could see the anger in them, the resentment. "Izaya," he growled softly, like a warning.

Whatever he'd wanted to say fled Izaya's mind as the tears started to pour down his face. After all, this time, was too much for him to handle. Silent sobs wracked his body as he fell apart by the seams. _He hates me, I was right. Why am I doing this? God, I hate myself._ Weakly, Izaya drew back his hand to wipe at the tears making a mess of his face.

"I'm sorry," he managed, through the falling tears. "I'm sorry." His chest ached and he clutched at it, wondering if maybe he was going to just drop dead after all. Why else would it hurt so bad? _I need to leave, he doesn't want me here_. Quickly, stumbling over his own feet, Izaya backed away, unable to meet Shizuo's eyes.

Or he would have if a warm hand hadn't cupped his cheek and pulled his head up. A moment later he felt warm lips on his as all the breath was stolen from his lungs. Izaya didn't dare breathe as Shizuo pulled him closer, wrapping him in everything that he'd missed so much. Part of him wondered if he was going to wake up and discover this was yet another dream, but the rest of him sunk into Shizuo, tangling his hands in the man's shirt, willing him to never let go.

Pulling back a fraction of an inch, Shizuo looked over him with emotions that had always been there but had been ignored. Through the tears still falling from his eyes, Izaya saw Shizuo's gaze soften. Gently, the blond brushed the tears from Izaya's face, fingers ghosting over his skin like he was caught in a trance. "I knew you'd show up eventually," the man muttered, a bittersweet smile on his lips.

"I'm sorry," Izaya whispered again, just letting Shizuo's warmth sink into his skin.

"I know. I'm sorry too." Resting his forehead against Izaya's, Shizuo muttered, "But it's okay now, we know better now."

"Yeah." And Izaya meant it, he really did.

Shizuo met no resistance as he gently tugged Izaya through his door and shut it behind them.

 **A/N: Again, Happy Birthday Izaya, you'll be forever twenty-one to us.**

 **Until next time!**


End file.
